she suffers ..
 some painful accident ..
 maybe even death ..

 Soon.

 Alright. Well. Exams are finally over. I am .. not officially but technically .. no longer a year 11 student.

 Wow.


 I've got to say, it feels a lot easier saying I did shit-ly at school than to my Mum. Day started exciting. I mean .. holidays !! =D

 Ended pretty bad .. now it's even worse.

Her: So your exams are over?! *TRYING TO SOUND EXCITED =D*
Me: Yeahh .. yeah.* watching tv folding laundry *
Her: You relieved? *talking to the back of my head*
Me: yeh .. nah.
Her: why?
Me: iono .. just nah ..
Her: So you did bad didn't you .. didn't know a lot of questions? * since she has disconnected herself from my life long ago she doesn't realise my tests are composed of more than just "questions" *
Me: .. dunno ..
Her: So you do need tutoring. Go ask your friends if they know a good tutor or something ..

 alright first off. Maybe. JUST MAYBE a tutor would help. I hope she doesn't forget that coaching colleges are a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR AHEAD in work and there is no way I could keep up with it. Secondly, it really makes me realise that it's easy to say I don't give a shit .. but then I have that little pang of regret in the back of my head everytime she asks for a report or something of the sort which tells of my progress.

 Pray to god if there is one that I did good in some major subjects. Namely economics which i tried hardest in .. and english. I even dare say math.

 It's one of those moments where anger is beyond words and accelerates to physical matters. Violent matters. I don't see the big deal, it's just a fucking dance studio, you sent my sis to fucking ballet n shit more than once and I'm not even allowed to go to a different lesson for once because YOU DON'T FUCKING TRUST THEM !? What the FUCK you dumbass tub of lard !! WORK at the fucking CAFE this saturday? Are you fucking stupid? I've got fucking exams coming up you fucking asshole and you would know if you ever bothered asking about my life .. FUCK

UGH. I can't even word my emotions properly because it'd usually be hitting something. However if i did that she'd probably start a fight and so on. Instead I sit here typing up a laggy-internet-based blog and have nothing even proper to say.

i wonder if running away from home, say for 3 hours or so, have any effect on them.
i reckon they'd call my mobile which i'd leave at home. wonder for a bit, call the police, search around and when or if they find me ( planning to be the park ) tell me off.

And probably ground me and restrict me from a lot of things.

 It seems stupid but it keeps the mind active for .. 20minutes at least. [= But hey. I only started thinking about it to block out what my mum was saying. I got the point when she told me to pull out the weeds in the garden .. However she didn't need to repeat the point 20times over and then add it with how it's done.

 So I woke up .. Wasted about 3 hours on the computer. Then I got to doing 2unit past math papers. It's progress, right? Next step is to write out notes. Getting there. Slowly. Increasingly annoyed at my parents. I should be more glad of them. A lot more children out there are more deprived of whatever than me .. But since i'm so selfish it's hard to think that way.

 Mum: tell me what you do after school at parramatta next time. you need to communicate with me more. *drone ... blahblahblah*
  [ this is only a fantasy since. If I did reply .. It would probably escalate to a fight]
 Me: Pfsh .. Communicate with you? You should've communicated with me 8 years ago.
 [ Hahahaha. I wish I could've said that instead of ignoring her. ]

 Ah yes. While pondering about what happens during suicide I also came up with a list of things I'd say to .. people before I die. Fun, right? It doesn't matter if anybody reads this since .. Frankly nobody would read it. Aside from blog hoppers.

Things to Say Before I .. Bite the dust:
 Yes, the order in which it is listed does matter. It's whoever comes to mind before the other [=

 Jessica: It'd be romantic/tragic to end it with telling you that simply; I love you. But too bad it isn't going to be. It's hard to explain since it's hard to even communicate with you. Not literally. But the gaps of silence [ usually weekly ] between us has it's bad sides [good side being we don't get bored of each other too fast]. Sure, we get time apart without even asking for it but then don't forget time apart for me also means nothing to do; therefore i start thinking stupid things. And trust me I've thought a lot of stupid things about you that I hope would never be true. You've done a lot for me. More than most others have anyway .. And i'm grateful for that. But 3 years ago we were like seperated twins .. exactly alike. Except I had a dick. But 3 years later we're two completely different people and hang around two different groups. I should stop .. this paragraphs getting too long and i'm not really going to die. Notice I used your name instead .. Just like how you prefer to be ... mentioned.

 Xuang: Haven't talked to you in ages. We've drifted haven't we haha. And it happened so suddenly as well .. and never even said anything about it. Oh well . You must by far have given me .. a hallmark in my life. We. Well I got along with you so well and it was always fun talking to you .. Like .. It was never boring. I mean until we drifted. You helped me heaps with essays and english in general . That means a lot to me [= Nothing bad to say about  you really .. Holy shit. You'll be 19 soon.

 Jason; Jono and Park: Please do mind what order I just listed you guys. I put you together as a group because that's how i see it, a group. Jason lately has just been more tolerant of me and everything. That's probably what I like about most people now that i think about it. How much they can tolerate me. Haha. Jono .. Can't say much. You're a really fun guy to be around. I don't like your sniffing. You put my mind into thinking I like football .. thanks. It's just one of the sports I like to say I enjoy. Park .. I can't say much. You've been a really supportive friend dude [= even your parents and being at your house was fun. But. Recently. You've become a faggot. You're nice and everything but. I'm sorry to say and i'm sorry if i'm being two faced but you should already get the vibe that I think that. Park you can't expect to be acting as if you're close after being ........ apart. for so long. You know exactly what I mean. I don't want to hate on Sam but i'll blame it on how soft you are. You're too vunerable. As far as I can remember you got together with Sam because you wouldn't get over Bianca. Dude .. You need to grow up. And cut the habits too because in your absence people do change and trends set. Just .. Yeah. I don't remember you ever being like "this". As for Jason .. Nothing much I can say about you too either haha. Thuy anh's cool. You're cool too and so are your parents. You're just comfortable to be around because frankly, you can tolerate how annoying I am. Annoying in more ways than one anyway. May I also point out that I didn't refer to you guys as R.R. The group is breaking apart and I don't like that /=

 Mum-Dad-Sis: Nothin I can say about mum n dad. I've bitched enough about you guys so .. to be honest you're not even worth a mention among my friends. Sis .. hmm. Before I die eh. Study hard and don't go out with a poofter. That's all I gotta say ahah.

 Jack/JaQ: See? I slashed and used the name you would preferred to be called. JaQ. hahah. Ja-Q-Rule. Anyway .. You're a cool guy. Even lovelier parents. You're really honest and respectable and friendly and loyal. I like that. Just stop trying to do what Jono does because it doesn't work man >< Just be yourself ..

 Ting: I'm sorry you're all the way down here. I still consider us close friends and I did read your sms last night. I just didn't reply to it. In my opinion a problem like ours shouldn't be discussed but rather ignored or solved. The more you discuss the fact that we don't talk as much as before makes it even worse .. I don't know why I can't let a conversation flow anymore. No it isn't mainly because of my exams because I barely focus on that. I could say part of the blame lies on my sleep patterns. I end up with bad mood swings but that isn't the point. Whatever happens just let it .. Maybe it was inevitable from the start. But that isn't for me to say. I can promise you I won't end up like Tony anyway.

 Moses and Jin: I mentioned you guys together because you're an item. A couple [= Hahah. Moses you're gay. I never meant all those jokes about your mum. I hope you'll get over it. It's obvious and very evident that you're capable of tearing me apart and i still wonder why you don't. Jin .. I actually don't know you that much. Since I almost never talk to you except during recess and lunch and whatever else .. I know nothing about you. But we're still friends. . RIGHT ?! T_T

 Yi: You're .. a cool guy. Moved up in the world and generous. You've just made a lot of stupid mistakes. I like how you can bother to follow me around and back me up with most things. But I swear to god yi if you smack my head for a random reason again or continously say fuck you for about 10minutes with no apparent proper reason I will beat the fuck out of you. ( wait. I should be saying this before i die ) Other guys will do it for me. Just don't do it man.

 If there's anybody else I haven't mentioned it's because I have nothing to say to you before I die. It's not a bad thing .. It just means I've got nothing to say o_o I seriously hope nobody is reading this.

 5:29PM. I just accidentally chewed down onto my lip retainer when eating wasabi seaweed tempura. Fuckity fuck /= Now it looks so crumpled and fragile. It'll sustain .. But for how long ?!

 Tuesday got sick like a bitch after staying up too late for my ancient assigment. Much thanks to Xuan for proof reading it for me and much more [= 5:30PM I prefer V over Red Bull.

 Wednesday I felt much better after 10 hours sleep and a lot of sweating. Instead now i have a sore throat and the occasional itchy cough. Just realised today how much shit i am for even 2unit math. Fuck extension .. I've completely given up on worrying.

 Extension 2 English seems a lot harder than it sounded in the beginning. But I'm sure i can manage .. Creative writing isn't all that hard. But the research is. I really need to start writing out those study notes. Now. Thursday. Night. NOW ! 5:32PM. J-Lourenzo feat. DJ Size & Big Steve - Sunglasses is playing. Hehehe it's such a weird song. Damn Red Bull could probably *someword I forgot* same as piss.

 I really can't be bothered writing out the notes. But I'll attempt .. for my own sake anyway. For the past 3 days nothing deep has gone through my mind. I think i'm just cherishing feeling normal again after those fucking stomach cramps and headaches. I feel like watching anime. No .. Even better I feel like having something to talk about to somebody I don't know ..

 There's always that below average heighted girl/woman on the bus every morning .. She looks in her 20s .. It's not an attraction. Just a weird habit of glancing at her everytime i get on the bus.  5:37PM. Kiba - Sanctuary is playing now .. Much better even though it's anime music. Oh well.

 A rather boring blog entry. Oh yeah. Almost forgot about the extension 2 english .. I need to keep a journal of everything I do .. English-wise. Jot down every point that comes into my head, source I analyse or any article I find. Any inspiration .. sounds rather interesting.

 Not really.
 I just found out my mum's ( notice I didn't give her a capital ) coming back from China tomorrow. Her little China trip doing whatever she does since she refuses to tell me alongside that wog dude. Now I shall list out the pros and cons of living with just my sis and dad. He doesn't deserve a capital either. I can't find it in my heart to wholey trust him .. or anybody i reckon. Other than my sis which has nothing to hide.

Pros:
- Everybody gets their way. Doing what they do. My sis .. watches her drama. Does her homework. My dad gives a lame attempt at cooking. Sleeps and stays in the room or is otherwise at work. No problem here.
- The house is a lot quieter. I can come home relieved without hearing stomping on our tiled floors or possible shouting or screaming. And a relief from a lot of whining and complaining and blahblahblah.
- I get to stay up later without my anybody coming out to tell me to sleep. Since my dad needs his rest 'cuz he wakes up at 2 .. So nobody really disturbs me. I still get my work done, same amount of study finished. There's just never that risk anymore of seeing that beast stomping around, turning around at the corridor and stare at me .. ... .........
- I get to eat pizza more. I like pizza [= Fatty fatty pizza.
- I won't need to see her fuckin' face when I'm eating dinner. Or feel awkward either. Life is a lot more free with her overseas.
- I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH just how much better it feels to be doing my assigments without her up my ass every 2 seconds. CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH.
EVERY FUCKING THING IS SO MUCH MORE RELAXING when she is not around.

Cons:
- Staying up late isn't always such a good thing. I get enough sleep on the weekends but most of the time I end up with bags under my eyes. Which is quite frequent. And I think it's also causing me to have pimples on my face .. Fuck. That's .. really .. really bad ><
- The clean-to-be-folded laundry pile gets bigger and bigger until I bother to do it while watching TV. Not exactly a bad thing .. Just .. distracting. Added to this is housework .. which is slacker. I skipped this week because I couldn't be bothered.
- Technically I need my sleep. So her stomping out of her room and threatening me until I go to sleep is not such a bad thing either. My lifestyle is really un-healthy.

 So just as I was getting used to living without her, I find out she's coming back. I mean the whole housework issue isn't such a big deal since .. you know .. just learn to get into the habit. Having her not in the house is almost a thousand times better on me than with her around.

 The only real thing that I miss about her in this house is her cooking. And her cooking isn't even that good .. I'm only used to it because I've been eating it for so long.